Wednesday, August 5, 2009

August 4th, 2009

I have been doing some soul searching lately. Trying to find inner peace and happiness. At this very moment I must say I am happy and very thankful for what I have. I finaly accept that happiness comes from within. It is hard to change and undo all of the negative and turn them into positives. In order to succeed and be happy in life self love has to be mastered.

I have been trying with every fiber of my being to figure out a way to obtain happiness and I like most of the world believed it came with material things.

I want the 4 bedroom 3 and a half bath house, fully furnished with all of the trimmings. The clothes, shoes, purse,nice car, vacations etc and an annual income of at least $100,000. I even have an appointment with a buyers agent to view a townhouse tomorrow. I have not tried pre-qualification because I do (did) not believe that I will be approved and even if I was approved, I do (did) not think I could afford it. However, with all of that said as I was sitting watching the Oprah show in my clean, quiet apartment I realized that I am happy with what I have. I am VERY thankful for what I have. My apartment is very small. 2 bedrooms, 720 sq.ft for a family of 4 in not the best of neighborhoods, but I have a place to stay that I can afford and it is actually not that bad. It is a very efficient apartment. I have a great job. It is very boring as there is not much for me to do in an 8 hr period but I have a job and it actually pays very well for what I do, which is not much LOL. I have transportation, I have 3 beautiful, loving, happy, fun daughters all with their unique personalities. I have a wonderful, giving, loving and helpful family and I have money to pay my bills. I do not have to worry about receiving a letter or a phone call regarding an unpaid bill. There are people out there who had everything I want and more but now have less than what I have and are miserable because their lives revolved around their things. They did not have true inner happiness.

I was very nervous about my meeting tomorrow but now I feel like if it is meant to happen it will happen. I will not be upset if I am not approved or I am not able to find a place that I like and can afford. If that is the case then I will have to continue until I do reach that point. I will continue to pay my bills and reduce my debt until that time comes. I will not buy a house just to say, "I bought a house." I do not want to be in a position I was 2 years ago crying and wondering what bill was going to be paid and which bill I would have to put off for yet another month. Mad, stressed, hating life and myself, calling my parents to see what they were cooking because I did not have any food to feed the kids. I would love to be able to purchase a house and claim the $8000.00 first time home-buyers credit, but again if it is not meant to be, it just isn't. I would love to have a yard for my daughters to play in because two of them absolutely love outdoors. I'd rather they play in a yard VS. a parking lot. However, they don't really know the difference. They are happy just playing.

I have been doing Internet searches in an effort to find things that would help me with my self esteem issues, my lack of class status, to find the one thing that is holding me back from being successful. I still want to find the perfect job/career, one that I love doing so it does not feel like a job or a career. Now I actually believe I will get there. I am learning how to open my mind. In order to grow, ones mind has to be open. One has to move past the fear of the unknown and step out of their comfort zone. I have heard that many, many times before but it has not sunk in until now. As long as I let fear win and remain in my comfort zone nothing in my life will grow. I can not be afraid to be alone, I can not be afraid to be rejected for a loan, I can not be afraid of what someone will think of me if I do this or that. I can not be afraid of what I "think" the outcome will be. Even if things do take a turn for the worst there is always a lesson to be learned. This is a great feeling that I have right now. I want to grow and become the best I can be and today I believe I am one step closer. Until tomorrow another day full of promise!

You have to self love in order to find inner peace and happiness. Without that you are limited in life.

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