Sigh

Well, I found out today that I will not pay any less than $1017.00 a month for the type of home I want in the area I want. I want to give up because I do not think I will be able to find exactly what I want. My brother told me that I am putting a lot of faith in money that I do not have yet and that is how people go broke. I agree 100% so I decided to stop looking. I am at a good place and like where I am financially. I don't want to live here forever, but I don't want to go backwards. My mother thinks that I should keep looking to establish a better foundation of what I want and to not give up so easily on the $8000.00 first time home buyers credit...She believes it is a gift. I am tired of looking, it is not fun and I get discouraged easily. My mother also said that anything could happen in the next month or so. Someone could be looking to get out of a house real quick in the neighborhood that I want and sell it at a price that I can afford. Well we will see.

Now about my life. What the hell can I do to change it. My brother said that well not just my brother but he is the latest one. I should write down what I enjoy doing. I like to talk, I like to counsel people like me...lol. I like to do hair, I would like to become a vet, I like the onzie idea my other brother came up with. Would I be happy going to cosmetology school to become a beautician.....would I become the hair dresser to the stars...lol. You know, after talking with my mom and typing my blog I would say that I am content, I like where I have moved to, financially, mentally, emotionally...however, I am not at a place that I want to stay forever and want to continue to grow and move up. My girls go to a better school and that is a stress reliever...My baby is in daycare where she belongs...so work on self esteem and changing my life again...I lost the damn library book "What's REALLY Holding you Back" UGH! I am trying to be financially savvy and check the book out instead of purchase it and what do I do. I LOSE IT!!! I have lost 2 books now. This ADD is killing me and the sad part is, I am on ADD medication!!! Well off to another night of little sleep because I have a ton on my mind.

Gotta have faith and believe

In my quest for inner happiness I have learned that about 60% of a persons inner happiness is something they are born with and 40% is mental. Some are born happier than others. I am a lot happier now than I was when I was younger. I have been diagnosed and I have medical help. I am still working on the other 40% however. I am happy most of the time but the other day I woke up blah for no reason. I think it was becasue I am scared of the future. There I go again afraid of the unknown. I have been wanting a house forever, for at least the past 5 years. I am sooo close but not close enough. With Obama's $8000.00 first time home buyers credit, it is hard to pass up, but I want to live in the shawnee mission school district so that my girls can go to the better schools. Those houses are out of my range. I currently stay in the (what I call the ghetto) because I came from the burbs. I made that move in order to get myself out of the financial black hole that I was in. I have reached that goal and I am able to pay all of my bills on time and have extra money left over. The townhouse I want is 131,950 but with that loan amount my mortgae would be around $1000.00 which does not include the HOA fees of $90.00. I know the price can be haggled but I need a house somewhere in the range of 100,000 - 120,000. In order for me to be able to live and maintain my financial momentum I should not have a payment more than $800.00. The girls currently stay with my parents for the most part so they can go to the school that I want them to go to but how long will that last? I have soooo much on my mind and it is frustrating, scary, makes me sad, angry, scared, etc. I have finished my masters but now my loan payment is going from 117.00 a month to about 260.00 a month. I lost the child support payments...He claims that they will start up again, but as history has shown, he is liar and a minipulator, so I have to put forth energy to get that taken care of. I am the one who does the Child Support Enforcements job. I called to tell them where he worked last time. I am the one who called to tell them that he moved. I am the one who did all of the leg work and here I am again in the same boat. My car is not reliable, I am afraid that any minute it will be in the tanker. I have an extended warranty that is about to expire and I have had soooo much work done on it just in the past 2 and a half years that I have had the car, I am afraid that when the warranty wears out in about 1 year or so, something will happen. I have written the owners of the dealership and currently in the process of trying to work something out with them. I would like a job earning at LEAST $60,000, but what do I do and how do I get it? What will I enjoy that is lucrative? I have been working on that too. I am sooooo bored at my job that it is painfull but I need to be and I am thankful for it because who knows where I would be without it. I will need to renew my tags in 2 months, I am suppose to be going to TN for Thanksgiving and I have already been approved for the vacation. Christmas is coming up, how do I get this townhouse....Sigh. I am sad right now because I want that townhouse and I want to be able to afford it and not over extend myself and put myself right back in the same situation I was in two years ago. I know I am repeating myself as I complained about all of this in my initial blog but obviously that is what is consuming my mind. I have been introduced to the secret at least 2 years ago and I believe it works. I have testimonials that it works, but it has worked only on small sums of money. It has not worked for me regarding large items like the townhouse or any house in the neighborhood and school district that I want. Currently that is my focus. I am going to put faith in the secret and attract that townhouse to me at a price that I can comfortable afford, keep my 3 year old in daycare and be able to afford the utility bills, the school fees, the cost of renewing my tags, be able to save, continue to live the way that I am living now. I am asking, believing and receiving. I have set the date to September 4, 2009. I Darla K. Washington will have my house with 3 bedrooms, at least 1 and 1 half baths, garage, finished basement, in a neighborhood that I want in the school district that I want. That house/home is mine. I Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I am feeling better now that I have typed all of this. I am on a quest to find my inner happiness. I have just finished reading what I have typed and it is soooo pathetic...complain, complain, complain and no thanks, gratitude, appreciation for what I have. I could be worse than I am right now. I need to be positive, focus on the good, keep happy thoughts, whenever I want to whine, complain or have negative thoughts, I need to take control and turn them into compliments, happy, positive thoughts, feelings and believe that I can and will. Life is what you make of it...everything will work out, you just gotta let it. The Secret is the power of attraction. I will attract positive things and positive people. I will work on the things that I have learned regarding how to be happy, imporve self-esteem and love myself. A person can not grow without self love. A person can not be happy without self love. A person can not succeed without self love. Darla K. Washington I love you!!

August 4th, 2009

I have been doing some soul searching lately. Trying to find inner peace and happiness. At this very moment I must say I am happy and very thankful for what I have. I finaly accept that happiness comes from within. It is hard to change and undo all of the negative and turn them into positives. In order to succeed and be happy in life self love has to be mastered.

I have been trying with every fiber of my being to figure out a way to obtain happiness and I like most of the world believed it came with material things.

I want the 4 bedroom 3 and a half bath house, fully furnished with all of the trimmings. The clothes, shoes, purse,nice car, vacations etc and an annual income of at least $100,000. I even have an appointment with a buyers agent to view a townhouse tomorrow. I have not tried pre-qualification because I do (did) not believe that I will be approved and even if I was approved, I do (did) not think I could afford it. However, with all of that said as I was sitting watching the Oprah show in my clean, quiet apartment I realized that I am happy with what I have. I am VERY thankful for what I have. My apartment is very small. 2 bedrooms, 720 sq.ft for a family of 4 in not the best of neighborhoods, but I have a place to stay that I can afford and it is actually not that bad. It is a very efficient apartment. I have a great job. It is very boring as there is not much for me to do in an 8 hr period but I have a job and it actually pays very well for what I do, which is not much LOL. I have transportation, I have 3 beautiful, loving, happy, fun daughters all with their unique personalities. I have a wonderful, giving, loving and helpful family and I have money to pay my bills. I do not have to worry about receiving a letter or a phone call regarding an unpaid bill. There are people out there who had everything I want and more but now have less than what I have and are miserable because their lives revolved around their things. They did not have true inner happiness.

I was very nervous about my meeting tomorrow but now I feel like if it is meant to happen it will happen. I will not be upset if I am not approved or I am not able to find a place that I like and can afford. If that is the case then I will have to continue until I do reach that point. I will continue to pay my bills and reduce my debt until that time comes. I will not buy a house just to say, "I bought a house." I do not want to be in a position I was 2 years ago crying and wondering what bill was going to be paid and which bill I would have to put off for yet another month. Mad, stressed, hating life and myself, calling my parents to see what they were cooking because I did not have any food to feed the kids. I would love to be able to purchase a house and claim the $8000.00 first time home-buyers credit, but again if it is not meant to be, it just isn't. I would love to have a yard for my daughters to play in because two of them absolutely love outdoors. I'd rather they play in a yard VS. a parking lot. However, they don't really know the difference. They are happy just playing.

I have been doing Internet searches in an effort to find things that would help me with my self esteem issues, my lack of class status, to find the one thing that is holding me back from being successful. I still want to find the perfect job/career, one that I love doing so it does not feel like a job or a career. Now I actually believe I will get there. I am learning how to open my mind. In order to grow, ones mind has to be open. One has to move past the fear of the unknown and step out of their comfort zone. I have heard that many, many times before but it has not sunk in until now. As long as I let fear win and remain in my comfort zone nothing in my life will grow. I can not be afraid to be alone, I can not be afraid to be rejected for a loan, I can not be afraid of what someone will think of me if I do this or that. I can not be afraid of what I "think" the outcome will be. Even if things do take a turn for the worst there is always a lesson to be learned. This is a great feeling that I have right now. I want to grow and become the best I can be and today I believe I am one step closer. Until tomorrow another day full of promise!

You have to self love in order to find inner peace and happiness. Without that you are limited in life.